Dead Space Review - In Space, No One Can Hear You Get Cut In Half Four Hundred Times

If your girlfriend were stuck on a spaceship with an entire legion of reanimated nasty mutated stabby corpses, would you try to rescue her? Before you answer, you should know they look kinda like this:

He has a great personality though.

The producers of the game studied photos of car crash victims in order to make the corpses more realistic. HELL YES, I'M READY FOR SOME FUN.

WARNING: If your objective is to have fun, do not select Hard Mode. I selected Hard Mode because I am a true man, and I spent the next 20-30 hours getting torn asunder. See, your character has this thick suit and helmet on while everyone else on the ship is dressed in their PJs. You may be confused by this at first, but as you play through the game, you realize it's because your body seems to have been hastily constructed out of K'NEX. And whenever you die, the camera remains intensely focused on your crotch for some reason. At least your penis is still intact!

Don't expect the enemies to take it easy on you just because you're made of graham crackers. These are in fact some of the most diabolically migraine-inducing enemies you may ever encounter. Let's take a look at my five most hated.

#5 - Lurkers AKA Tentacle Babies

Yes, you shoot the hell out of some dead babies; let's try and get past it. These little tykes climb on the walls and ceiling and shoot tentacle missiles at you. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BABIES ON THIS SHIP?!

#4 - Brutes AKA Big-Ass Mofos

Run. Run away now.

#3 - Dividers AKA Prepare for the Wackness

These dudes aren't anything special until you shoot them a few times. Then they divide. Oh, how they divide. You don't know fear until you've been attacked by a disembodied pair of legs. And if the head gets a hold of you, it'll rip your own head off and take its place. Fine, enjoy my body. We'll see how you like my brittle bones.

#2 - Infectors AKA Game Ruiners

Besides being ridiculously gross-looking, fighting these things isn't all that bad. Sure, they can latch onto dead bodies and turn them into monsters, but there's a simple way to prevent this from ever happening. Every ten seconds of playing the game, you'll find a dead body. Stomp it into a jelly. "THE INFECTORS ARE COMING!" I would often scream hysterically, as my boot came down on their heads again and again. Turns out there are only like four infectors in the game.

#1 - Guardians AKA Shut The Hell Up

When you come across one of these, it'll start screaming at you. Go ahead and shit your pants now. These guys have gaping holes where you wish their stomachs would be. They shoot little dudes out of their stomachs, and those dudes shoot missiles at you. If you get too close to the guardian, a tenatacle will rocket out of its stomach hole and tear your head off. You have to shoot off all six of its tentacles which are constantly moving around, while also dealing with the little missile dudes and, oh yeah, THE MOTHERFUCKING SCREAMING.

Fun game though.

VERDICT: 8 out of 10

A Straight Man's Love for Gossip Girl

Yes, it's true. I'm straight. But more relevantly, I love Gossip Girl. Could they have come up with a girlier name for a show, by the way? Unicorn Flower Ovary Princess, perhaps?

"It's about gossip and a girl, you say? Whoops, where'd my testicles go?"

But why do I love it so much? Well, let me sum up the most recent episode for you.

Blair Waldorf, the queen of the bitch clique in this rich kids' high school, decides to humiliate the new teacher Ms. Carr because she gave her a B on her paper. She sees Ms. Carr and Dan Humphrey, the not rich kid, chatting in the hallway and spreads a rumor that they're boning each other. Serena van der Woodsen, Dan's girlfriend, chooses to believe this rumor because she's looking for a reason to break up. You see, it turns out Dan's father (Rufus) and Serena's mother (Lily) once had a kid together. Everyone thinks he died in a boating accident but he actually didn't. Anyway, Rufus and Lily just started going out again. So things are a bit weird between Dan and Serena, you see. Dan and Ms. Carr end up talking at some point after school because she's freaking out about possibly losing her job. She cries a little bit and Dan tries to comfort her, and this is when Serena decides to show up and it totally looks like they're about to kiss so she snaps a picture of them on her phone and leaves. Meanwhile, Blair's dad is worried that what Blair said is grounds for slander or libel or whatever, but Blair insists that it's true. Because she has to get into Yale AT ANY COST. So there's a huge PTA meeting and it seems like no one can prove anything, but wait, here comes Serena with the photo. She gives it to Blair (oh yeah, they're BFF) who presents it to the PTA-ers and shit goes down. The consensus is that Ms. Carr will be fired. So Dan goes to see Ms. Carr to apologize for getting her fired and whatnot. But since she doesn't teach him anymore, they have sex. As they're doing it, the school decides they don't want to risk a lawsuit so they end up not firing Ms. Carr after all. Uh-oh!

Oh, and there's also a sub-plot about Chuck Bass, the mega-womanizer who wears scarves, discovering his late father was involved in a super-secret sex cabal.

I think I rest my case.