Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Review - FOR JUSTICE!

The world today is in a sorry state. The badassery of law has been ruined by local commercials everywhere. You know, the ones with those mopey lawyers who want to get you fifty bucks because you got bit by a Schnauzer. You wanna know what law was like back in the good old days, you talk to this guy:


Check out that glorious coif. Marvel at that monster finger that appears to be longer than his head. Behold the wonder of those impossible eyebrows. Now listen. Really listen. You can hear his shout, can't you? Make no mistake, this is merely a picture for your eyeballs. But the rules of sight and sound do not apply to Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney). Nothing can contain or suppress the passion that flows forth from that purple abyss of a mouth.

Go ahead and guess how many Schnauzer's are in this g--ZERO! Sorry, I couldn't wait. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) doesn't mess around with dog bites or slips in a neighbor's shower (it happens). Every single case he takes is a murder case. And every single case he takes has killer SNES boss music.

And Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) doesn't face off against any old Barry Feinstein or Todd Frampton who comes in off the street. They aren't capable of prompting such phat beats. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) throws down with only the most kick-assly named prosecutors in the land. Check it:

WINSTON PAYNE

MILES EDGEWORTH

MANFRED VON KARMA

He's kind of a dick, but those ruffles are exquisite.

In this world of extreme lawyerage, all prosecutors are assholes for prosecuting. And yet Phoenix Wright's (Ace Attorney...'s) main method of defending his client always involves accusing someone else of murder. Because he just doesn't give a fuck.

RATING: 5 out of 5

The Justin Bieber Experience

Hey, watch this:



Oh God.

I guess we should start from the beginning here. The video opens with a lesbian doing some kind of weird little shimmy. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a move like that before. I hesitate to even give it a name because it so actively defies description. I shall simply call it The Bieber. Please folks, DO NOT ATTEMPT THE BIEBER. No joke there. Oh by the way, that lesbian is actually Justin Bieber, a fifteen year old boy. Remember that he's fifteen. It will come into play later.

And now he's singing. I feel a little uncomfortable with this kid singing at my face. Looking at me with those eyes.

Now we're heading to the "Kleen-o-matic," which is the worst name for a laundromat I've ever heard. Although it's an all right name for a "laundrymat."

In walks a woman with her laundry. She looks to be about 25. And there's Justin sitting in the corner, checking her out. No surprise. He is 15 after all. But then she starts checking him out. And flashing flirty smiles. This is the "one less lonely girl" that Justin is referring to. Like it or not. Not, I assume.

If picking up women were as easy as raiding Ellen DeGeneres' closet and strolling into a laundromat with an acoustic guitar, then... Well, I don't really know what the end of that sentence was going to be, but the point is that it doesn't fucking work. Maybe for Ellen DeGeneres.

So okay, she purposely drops her scarf. What's he supposed to do with a scarf? Have you ever tried using a woman's scarf to masturb-- Oh, I see. It's the reward at the end of Justin's stupidly elaborate scavenger hunt. He's involved several people around the neighborhood, all of whom he'll see again when they're called to the stand during the inevitable statutory rape trial.

And it's around this point that I finally notice Justin is wearing lipstick. I don't have much to say about that.

So she's picking up these notes that say things like "I'll give you flowers (since they were all out of Yu-Gi-Oh stickers)" and "I'll make every moment magical (as soon as I hit puberty.)"

And then... they meet. If I could draw a comparison here, the previous three minutes have been like climbing to the top of a roller coaster. We are now there. But we know that this roller coaster ends with us plunging into an ocean of molten despair. Keep your arms inside the vehicle, my friends.

He has her scarf. He drapes it around her neck and pulls her close. They are dancing now. I'm talking slow dancing. He's not busting out The Bieber here. They are so close, their noses are touching. And he's singing to her. He is singing these words: "Let me inside your world." And just before her world-vagina is penetrated by his star-penis, we cut to Justin back on the street. "Only you, shawty," he says. He then giggles and walks away, reminding us of the idiot child he is. I need a shower.

Justin Bieber's album My World (Part I) is in stores now.

Padma Lakshmi Is An Ungodly Bitch

That paper may not have been my best work, Ms. Lakshmi, but just what in the hell is your malfunction? Instead of constructive criticism, you saw fit to vandalize my work with degrading and demoralizing personal attacks. And the racism, Ms. Lakshmi? For shame.

Does it make you feel big, Padma? Does the feeling you get when you crush someone's spirit help you get through the day? And just because you tore up the offending pieces of paper doesn't mean they didn't exist. I know what you wrote. You know what you wrote. And I won't rest until you've been banned from every teaching institution in the world.

This might have all been a dream. I like your show.

Dead Space Review - In Space, No One Can Hear You Get Cut In Half Four Hundred Times

If your girlfriend were stuck on a spaceship with an entire legion of reanimated nasty mutated stabby corpses, would you try to rescue her? Before you answer, you should know they look kinda like this:

He has a great personality though.

The producers of the game studied photos of car crash victims in order to make the corpses more realistic. HELL YES, I'M READY FOR SOME FUN.

WARNING: If your objective is to have fun, do not select Hard Mode. I selected Hard Mode because I am a true man, and I spent the next 20-30 hours getting torn asunder. See, your character has this thick suit and helmet on while everyone else on the ship is dressed in their PJs. You may be confused by this at first, but as you play through the game, you realize it's because your body seems to have been hastily constructed out of K'NEX. And whenever you die, the camera remains intensely focused on your crotch for some reason. At least your penis is still intact!

Don't expect the enemies to take it easy on you just because you're made of graham crackers. These are in fact some of the most diabolically migraine-inducing enemies you may ever encounter. Let's take a look at my five most hated.

#5 - Lurkers AKA Tentacle Babies

Yes, you shoot the hell out of some dead babies; let's try and get past it. These little tykes climb on the walls and ceiling and shoot tentacle missiles at you. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BABIES ON THIS SHIP?!

#4 - Brutes AKA Big-Ass Mofos

Run. Run away now.

#3 - Dividers AKA Prepare for the Wackness

These dudes aren't anything special until you shoot them a few times. Then they divide. Oh, how they divide. You don't know fear until you've been attacked by a disembodied pair of legs. And if the head gets a hold of you, it'll rip your own head off and take its place. Fine, enjoy my body. We'll see how you like my brittle bones.

#2 - Infectors AKA Game Ruiners

Besides being ridiculously gross-looking, fighting these things isn't all that bad. Sure, they can latch onto dead bodies and turn them into monsters, but there's a simple way to prevent this from ever happening. Every ten seconds of playing the game, you'll find a dead body. Stomp it into a jelly. "THE INFECTORS ARE COMING!" I would often scream hysterically, as my boot came down on their heads again and again. Turns out there are only like four infectors in the game.

#1 - Guardians AKA Shut The Hell Up

When you come across one of these, it'll start screaming at you. Go ahead and shit your pants now. These guys have gaping holes where you wish their stomachs would be. They shoot little dudes out of their stomachs, and those dudes shoot missiles at you. If you get too close to the guardian, a tenatacle will rocket out of its stomach hole and tear your head off. You have to shoot off all six of its tentacles which are constantly moving around, while also dealing with the little missile dudes and, oh yeah, THE MOTHERFUCKING SCREAMING.

Fun game though.

VERDICT: 8 out of 10

A Straight Man's Love for Gossip Girl

Yes, it's true. I'm straight. But more relevantly, I love Gossip Girl. Could they have come up with a girlier name for a show, by the way? Unicorn Flower Ovary Princess, perhaps?

"It's about gossip and a girl, you say? Whoops, where'd my testicles go?"

But why do I love it so much? Well, let me sum up the most recent episode for you.

Blair Waldorf, the queen of the bitch clique in this rich kids' high school, decides to humiliate the new teacher Ms. Carr because she gave her a B on her paper. She sees Ms. Carr and Dan Humphrey, the not rich kid, chatting in the hallway and spreads a rumor that they're boning each other. Serena van der Woodsen, Dan's girlfriend, chooses to believe this rumor because she's looking for a reason to break up. You see, it turns out Dan's father (Rufus) and Serena's mother (Lily) once had a kid together. Everyone thinks he died in a boating accident but he actually didn't. Anyway, Rufus and Lily just started going out again. So things are a bit weird between Dan and Serena, you see. Dan and Ms. Carr end up talking at some point after school because she's freaking out about possibly losing her job. She cries a little bit and Dan tries to comfort her, and this is when Serena decides to show up and it totally looks like they're about to kiss so she snaps a picture of them on her phone and leaves. Meanwhile, Blair's dad is worried that what Blair said is grounds for slander or libel or whatever, but Blair insists that it's true. Because she has to get into Yale AT ANY COST. So there's a huge PTA meeting and it seems like no one can prove anything, but wait, here comes Serena with the photo. She gives it to Blair (oh yeah, they're BFF) who presents it to the PTA-ers and shit goes down. The consensus is that Ms. Carr will be fired. So Dan goes to see Ms. Carr to apologize for getting her fired and whatnot. But since she doesn't teach him anymore, they have sex. As they're doing it, the school decides they don't want to risk a lawsuit so they end up not firing Ms. Carr after all. Uh-oh!

Oh, and there's also a sub-plot about Chuck Bass, the mega-womanizer who wears scarves, discovering his late father was involved in a super-secret sex cabal.

I think I rest my case.

Musings

- Janeane Garofalo's character is exactly what Chloe would be like if she were in any way amusing or likeable. I once said there was no room for humor on 24, but you have proven me wrong, Janeane. You'll be dead in about four episodes.

- Slumdog Millionaire won one of those Golden Ball things in every category it was nominated, including best drama. Suck it, movies I didn't see! Revolutionary Road? More like "Revolutionary Choad". The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? More like "The Curious Face of Benjamin Butt-on". The Reader? More like "What the fuck is The Reader?"

- I don't really have a third musing. What to do? Hmmm...


- AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Persona 4 Review - Murder!! (and penis monsters)

WARNING: This game is rated M for Mature and should only be played by persons over the age of 17. According to the back of the box, reasons for this include:

Alcohol Reference
Animated Blood
Language
Partial Nudity
Sexual Themes
Violence

Now, I don't wanna be the one to tell the fine folks over at the Entertainment Software Rating Board how to do their jobs, but I would have also included the following descriptors:

Massive Gender Confusion
Monster Strippers
Statutory Rape
The Gayest Level Ever Seen In A Video Game

And... I can't think of anything else.


Oh yeah, the penis monster.

Anyhoo, beneath the penis monsters and whatnot lies a good, old-fashioned murder mystery. You see, people are getting kidnapped and thrown into TVs. Oh yeah, there's a world inside the TV. It's all foggy in there. And then the fog moves from the TV world to the real world and the person in the TV dies. And the body gets sent to the real world. Oh, and the murderer's next victim shows up on TV before they get kidnapped. And after. But only when it's raining outside. And only at midnight. And the world in the TV is formed by the people who go there. Their suppressed thoughts and feelings take on a physical form, you see. Uh, what else? There's a big talking stuffed bear going through an identity crisis.

So for half of the game, you're hanging around your small little town, making friends and girlfriends (am I right, playa?) and having a gay old time. That is, when they're not telling you about their incredibly depressing lives.

"Hmmm, should I hang out with the promiscuous teen idol who probably wants to bang me, or should I go swallow razorblades with the guy whose sister just got murdered? THIS IS QUITE THE PUZZLER." -- Me

And for the other half of the game, you go fight monsters and rescue people who get thrown into the TV world. And you get to create your own monsters to fight those monsters. It's kinda like Pokemon but with more penises.


VERDICT: 10 out of 10

WTF Life?

You know, sometimes I wonder, why the fuck is life so difficult? Like, is it really necessary for things to be so hard? Why can't life just be simple? Why can't we just live our days eating and having lots of sex? Isn't that what life used to be like? What happened? When did we have to become these impossibly high-powered individuals that need to perform tasks like fucking worker bees to please their queen?

And who decided that the world needed to revolve around meaningless pieces of paper? Countries can't even agree on which meaningless piece of paper to value. And each of those meaningless pieces of paper has some kind of relative value to the next. WTF? Do people not realize how fucking stupid that shit is?

Maybe the world needs to stop living in relativity and live in absolution. We should only live according to absolute truths. Like our own feelings, or the way the sun sets, or the way music sounds, or the way fire burns. Why live according to relative things like money or ethics?

Moral of this story: Live in absolution.

Sorry

This had to be erased due to the fact that I have to use this blog site for something relating to my professional future.

5 Random Things That Piss Me Off

1. People who stand on the left side of the escalator

The right side is for standing, the left side is for walking. You know this. Next time I see you, I will pull you backwards and you will fall for all of eternity.

2. Stupid reality show commentary

"Suddenly, TJ Lavin shows up and I'm like, "Whoa, dude!"" Very informative, bro. Here I was thinking to myself, "Just who is that douchebag riding in on a jetski and holding an Xbox 360? And how would someone react to this event?"

3. Hard plastic cases forged in the flames of Hell

No one told me that I'd need fuckin' Excalibur to gain access to my new stapler. 

4. Japanese RPG plots

Play Kingdom Hearts 2 and tell me what the hell just happened. And if you use the word "Nobody", I will headbutt you.

5. Ceviche

I've seen about 50 ceviches on Top Chef and I still have no idea what the fuck it is. Stop making ceviche.

College Doesn't Suck (Oh Wait, It Totally Does) -- by Eggman

I’ve decided that college is completely unnecessary.

Here I am, freshly out of college, and all I have to show for it is a degree I don’t want and a complete lack of employability. And this is the plight of so many quarter-lifers. We’ve been duped into thinking that we need a college degree in order to survive. Well, a lot of good having a degree has done me.

I think this life is too short to be so practical about things. Yeah, for a lot of people college may be a good option. But I think it’s only good if you absolutely know what you want to do and you’re certain college will be a stepping-stone towards that. Most people, including myself, go to college because they’ve been told that if they don’t they’re going to end up homeless and uneducated.

The people I admire most in this world didn’t go to college, or quickly realized they didn’t need it to achieve their goals and subsequently quit. I should have been one of those people. I should have been out living my life instead of relying on college to live it for me and take care of me once I was done.

And I think a lot of people are in the same boat. I blame a lot of this on baby boomers who were somehow convinced that their children needed to go to college and become successful doctors and lawyers and other such nonsense. Since kindergarten we’ve been told by our parents and our teachers that we have to go to college or else.

And people wonder why there’s an epidemic of apathy and aimlessness among Gen Y’ers. We weren’t taught to figure things out for ourselves, to discover our passions and follow our dreams. We were simply told that we had to go to college, get a decent education, and get a job that pays the bills and buys us a nice little house with 2.3 children per household.

And now I’m stuck with a mountain of loans and no means of pursuing my dreams because I wasted so much time working towards something I didn’t want. People keep telling me that I’ll be thankful down the road, but as more time passes, the less probable that seems.

I think going to college was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made. What’s worse is that I feel like it wasn’t even my decision to begin with. Go figure.

Uber Liberalism, Bitches -- by Sta

I hate everything ever.

More specifically, people.

And the fact that you have to work to pay for things to live.

Things should just be provided so people don't have to work and have total freedom.

John Stuart Mill said that liberalism is a government that only imposes on freedom to enforce morals and you know, being civil to one another. Other than that, there should be total freedom to let people do whatever they want. Food and housing and healthcare and education keep people from being free. They need to work in this society to get those things, and that imposes on their freedom.  

SOLUTION: all necessities should be provided by the government. Uber liberalism, bitches. Real freedom.

Toothpaste Face Eye Snow Blindness (working title)

I was looking out my window last night, thinking about how it's always brighter outside when it's snowing. I figured it had something to do with the moonlight reflecting off the snow. Then I started thinking about snow blindness. At this exact moment, I was prepping my toothbrush for some oral action. I dragged the nozzle along the brush tenderly, and when I pulled away, the bristles snapped back into place and shot a small gob of toothpaste directly into my eye. As I writhed in pain, I realized that if I were to go blind, it would make for a great story. Unfortunately, I can still see shit, so this story sucks and I still made you read it.

ADDENDUM - [00:12] lexpieces: i think it's the ambience of the city lights that makes the sky orange and such
[00:12] lexpieces: 'cause the moon can't be seen through the clouds