Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Review - FOR JUSTICE!

The world today is in a sorry state. The badassery of law has been ruined by local commercials everywhere. You know, the ones with those mopey lawyers who want to get you fifty bucks because you got bit by a Schnauzer. You wanna know what law was like back in the good old days, you talk to this guy:


Check out that glorious coif. Marvel at that monster finger that appears to be longer than his head. Behold the wonder of those impossible eyebrows. Now listen. Really listen. You can hear his shout, can't you? Make no mistake, this is merely a picture for your eyeballs. But the rules of sight and sound do not apply to Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney). Nothing can contain or suppress the passion that flows forth from that purple abyss of a mouth.

Go ahead and guess how many Schnauzer's are in this g--ZERO! Sorry, I couldn't wait. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) doesn't mess around with dog bites or slips in a neighbor's shower (it happens). Every single case he takes is a murder case. And every single case he takes has killer SNES boss music.

And Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) doesn't face off against any old Barry Feinstein or Todd Frampton who comes in off the street. They aren't capable of prompting such phat beats. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney) throws down with only the most kick-assly named prosecutors in the land. Check it:

WINSTON PAYNE

MILES EDGEWORTH

MANFRED VON KARMA

He's kind of a dick, but those ruffles are exquisite.

In this world of extreme lawyerage, all prosecutors are assholes for prosecuting. And yet Phoenix Wright's (Ace Attorney...'s) main method of defending his client always involves accusing someone else of murder. Because he just doesn't give a fuck.

RATING: 5 out of 5

The Justin Bieber Experience

Hey, watch this:



Oh God.

I guess we should start from the beginning here. The video opens with a lesbian doing some kind of weird little shimmy. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a move like that before. I hesitate to even give it a name because it so actively defies description. I shall simply call it The Bieber. Please folks, DO NOT ATTEMPT THE BIEBER. No joke there. Oh by the way, that lesbian is actually Justin Bieber, a fifteen year old boy. Remember that he's fifteen. It will come into play later.

And now he's singing. I feel a little uncomfortable with this kid singing at my face. Looking at me with those eyes.

Now we're heading to the "Kleen-o-matic," which is the worst name for a laundromat I've ever heard. Although it's an all right name for a "laundrymat."

In walks a woman with her laundry. She looks to be about 25. And there's Justin sitting in the corner, checking her out. No surprise. He is 15 after all. But then she starts checking him out. And flashing flirty smiles. This is the "one less lonely girl" that Justin is referring to. Like it or not. Not, I assume.

If picking up women were as easy as raiding Ellen DeGeneres' closet and strolling into a laundromat with an acoustic guitar, then... Well, I don't really know what the end of that sentence was going to be, but the point is that it doesn't fucking work. Maybe for Ellen DeGeneres.

So okay, she purposely drops her scarf. What's he supposed to do with a scarf? Have you ever tried using a woman's scarf to masturb-- Oh, I see. It's the reward at the end of Justin's stupidly elaborate scavenger hunt. He's involved several people around the neighborhood, all of whom he'll see again when they're called to the stand during the inevitable statutory rape trial.

And it's around this point that I finally notice Justin is wearing lipstick. I don't have much to say about that.

So she's picking up these notes that say things like "I'll give you flowers (since they were all out of Yu-Gi-Oh stickers)" and "I'll make every moment magical (as soon as I hit puberty.)"

And then... they meet. If I could draw a comparison here, the previous three minutes have been like climbing to the top of a roller coaster. We are now there. But we know that this roller coaster ends with us plunging into an ocean of molten despair. Keep your arms inside the vehicle, my friends.

He has her scarf. He drapes it around her neck and pulls her close. They are dancing now. I'm talking slow dancing. He's not busting out The Bieber here. They are so close, their noses are touching. And he's singing to her. He is singing these words: "Let me inside your world." And just before her world-vagina is penetrated by his star-penis, we cut to Justin back on the street. "Only you, shawty," he says. He then giggles and walks away, reminding us of the idiot child he is. I need a shower.

Justin Bieber's album My World (Part I) is in stores now.

Padma Lakshmi Is An Ungodly Bitch

That paper may not have been my best work, Ms. Lakshmi, but just what in the hell is your malfunction? Instead of constructive criticism, you saw fit to vandalize my work with degrading and demoralizing personal attacks. And the racism, Ms. Lakshmi? For shame.

Does it make you feel big, Padma? Does the feeling you get when you crush someone's spirit help you get through the day? And just because you tore up the offending pieces of paper doesn't mean they didn't exist. I know what you wrote. You know what you wrote. And I won't rest until you've been banned from every teaching institution in the world.

This might have all been a dream. I like your show.

Dead Space Review - In Space, No One Can Hear You Get Cut In Half Four Hundred Times

If your girlfriend were stuck on a spaceship with an entire legion of reanimated nasty mutated stabby corpses, would you try to rescue her? Before you answer, you should know they look kinda like this:

He has a great personality though.

The producers of the game studied photos of car crash victims in order to make the corpses more realistic. HELL YES, I'M READY FOR SOME FUN.

WARNING: If your objective is to have fun, do not select Hard Mode. I selected Hard Mode because I am a true man, and I spent the next 20-30 hours getting torn asunder. See, your character has this thick suit and helmet on while everyone else on the ship is dressed in their PJs. You may be confused by this at first, but as you play through the game, you realize it's because your body seems to have been hastily constructed out of K'NEX. And whenever you die, the camera remains intensely focused on your crotch for some reason. At least your penis is still intact!

Don't expect the enemies to take it easy on you just because you're made of graham crackers. These are in fact some of the most diabolically migraine-inducing enemies you may ever encounter. Let's take a look at my five most hated.

#5 - Lurkers AKA Tentacle Babies

Yes, you shoot the hell out of some dead babies; let's try and get past it. These little tykes climb on the walls and ceiling and shoot tentacle missiles at you. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BABIES ON THIS SHIP?!

#4 - Brutes AKA Big-Ass Mofos

Run. Run away now.

#3 - Dividers AKA Prepare for the Wackness

These dudes aren't anything special until you shoot them a few times. Then they divide. Oh, how they divide. You don't know fear until you've been attacked by a disembodied pair of legs. And if the head gets a hold of you, it'll rip your own head off and take its place. Fine, enjoy my body. We'll see how you like my brittle bones.

#2 - Infectors AKA Game Ruiners

Besides being ridiculously gross-looking, fighting these things isn't all that bad. Sure, they can latch onto dead bodies and turn them into monsters, but there's a simple way to prevent this from ever happening. Every ten seconds of playing the game, you'll find a dead body. Stomp it into a jelly. "THE INFECTORS ARE COMING!" I would often scream hysterically, as my boot came down on their heads again and again. Turns out there are only like four infectors in the game.

#1 - Guardians AKA Shut The Hell Up

When you come across one of these, it'll start screaming at you. Go ahead and shit your pants now. These guys have gaping holes where you wish their stomachs would be. They shoot little dudes out of their stomachs, and those dudes shoot missiles at you. If you get too close to the guardian, a tenatacle will rocket out of its stomach hole and tear your head off. You have to shoot off all six of its tentacles which are constantly moving around, while also dealing with the little missile dudes and, oh yeah, THE MOTHERFUCKING SCREAMING.

Fun game though.

VERDICT: 8 out of 10

A Straight Man's Love for Gossip Girl

Yes, it's true. I'm straight. But more relevantly, I love Gossip Girl. Could they have come up with a girlier name for a show, by the way? Unicorn Flower Ovary Princess, perhaps?

"It's about gossip and a girl, you say? Whoops, where'd my testicles go?"

But why do I love it so much? Well, let me sum up the most recent episode for you.

Blair Waldorf, the queen of the bitch clique in this rich kids' high school, decides to humiliate the new teacher Ms. Carr because she gave her a B on her paper. She sees Ms. Carr and Dan Humphrey, the not rich kid, chatting in the hallway and spreads a rumor that they're boning each other. Serena van der Woodsen, Dan's girlfriend, chooses to believe this rumor because she's looking for a reason to break up. You see, it turns out Dan's father (Rufus) and Serena's mother (Lily) once had a kid together. Everyone thinks he died in a boating accident but he actually didn't. Anyway, Rufus and Lily just started going out again. So things are a bit weird between Dan and Serena, you see. Dan and Ms. Carr end up talking at some point after school because she's freaking out about possibly losing her job. She cries a little bit and Dan tries to comfort her, and this is when Serena decides to show up and it totally looks like they're about to kiss so she snaps a picture of them on her phone and leaves. Meanwhile, Blair's dad is worried that what Blair said is grounds for slander or libel or whatever, but Blair insists that it's true. Because she has to get into Yale AT ANY COST. So there's a huge PTA meeting and it seems like no one can prove anything, but wait, here comes Serena with the photo. She gives it to Blair (oh yeah, they're BFF) who presents it to the PTA-ers and shit goes down. The consensus is that Ms. Carr will be fired. So Dan goes to see Ms. Carr to apologize for getting her fired and whatnot. But since she doesn't teach him anymore, they have sex. As they're doing it, the school decides they don't want to risk a lawsuit so they end up not firing Ms. Carr after all. Uh-oh!

Oh, and there's also a sub-plot about Chuck Bass, the mega-womanizer who wears scarves, discovering his late father was involved in a super-secret sex cabal.

I think I rest my case.